Today I had a routine preventative ultrasound. I have dense breasts so they alternate between mammograms and ultrasounds. Since this was just a "check up" I didn't think anything of it... until I laid on that table and watched the screen as the tech moved the wand around my breasts.
The waiting and silence only added to the PTSD and negative thoughts running through my head. I know that time is my greatest blessing but this afternoon it felt like a curse. The ultrasound was emotional, my mind kept wandering and bringing me back to the first ultrasound I had before I was diagnosed. I remember looking at the screen and seeing a huge black hole and instantly knowing it was cancer.
Today I kept looking at the screen, looking for that "black hole", seeing things that weren't there. With every positive thought I would tell myself it was followed with 3 negative ones. I remember thinking what the next steps would be if the cancer had returned; who would I tell? What travel plans need to be cancelled? What will happen to my business and my relationship? How will I ever do this again?
Cancer is a mindfuck and the PTSD is real. Cancer isn't pretty pink ribbons and fun wigs. Keeping your mind free and clear of negative thoughts is the hardest job I've ever had.
“There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly live.”
– Dalai Lama